Overture The Queen Designed My Brain I The Queen designed my brain. Almost everyone I knew as a child was born at a time when Trinidad was her property. With no right to vote or make their own laws, they were all perfect British subjects in training. This meant Anglican hymns, little schoolboy uniforms, and the single greatest sanitizer of our savagery: the King James Bible. I learned how to read by studying the King James Bible. My grandmother taught me on a veranda in the jungle when I was four. Her eyes were bad, but she still needed her salvation. She still needed her proverbs and her psalms. "The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" I learned how to read so I could become her eyes. In this way, Her Majesty the Queen designed the framework of my very first thoughts. As a scrawny Trini-child, I wore khaki short pants and carried a cloth satchel full of books. In my bookbag was a red Nelson's West Indian Reader --the colonialist's handbook. Into my studies, I poured all the devotion I had for my grandmother, whose dark vibrant eyes and cunning smile were my whole universe. I learned the Queen's lessons a little too well. And the greatest lesson was this: if you could name a thing--commonwealth, colony, savages, subjects--it could become real. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." In 1986, I landed in Canada, a shiny-faced Black boy thrust into the tiny northwestern Ontario town of Wabigoon, near Dryden. From a jungle to a blizzard within a few head-spinning days. Wolf packs howled in the trees and black bears rummaged at the trash dump. My beloved grandma was dead, and eleven-year-old me stared, perplexed, into the wilderness. This was my first encounter with transformation: the art of letting go and becoming something new. It was an art I would become all too familiar with in the coming decades. Throughout the years, I would give myself many names. They called me Tony in Trinidad, Michael in the gleaming boardrooms of corporate Canada, Mic Dainjah when I toured England with my rock 'n' roll heroes, Molasses when I crooned soul songs, and Mike D. when I plucked the banjo at folk festivals. Finally, I became John or J.O. or John Orpheus, my boldest, baddest self. So this is a memoir, but a memoir of whom? I want to tell you that it is about John Orpheus, but it's not. I want to say it's about inventing John, being John, killing John, and then watching him rise again from the ashes of the fire that destroyed all I owned. But that too would fall short. This is a story about unbelonging, about placelessness, about leaving everything behind. This is about metamorphoses: death and rebirth. About being shattered over and over and reassembling yourself across continents and calamities. This is a story about family and forgiveness. About becoming what you always were. Like a tree shedding its cone on the mountainside, fertilized by cold rain and deer shit, somehow growing up bold and strong, it is about creativity: that desperate act of survival. Nature's only lesson. This book is about the manure we call art and the abyss that heals us. These are the stories that wrote me. Oh, and it's about all that other stuff too. I I There was a woman in the front they said was my mother. She too had told me this, the few times we'd met. Her name was Gloria, and I was watching her carefully as my grandmother ascended the steps of Fifth Company Baptist Church in her casket. Gloria was fidgeting with her handbag, in a grey dress, frowning sadness as if it were raining, but the skies were clear. The wet season in Trinidad's tropical jungle usually meant seething black clouds and rain that made the bush ripe with mango, cocoa, and pommecythere (or "pomcetay," as we called it) and that washed fat snakes into the road. But on that October day, the sun was streaming bright glory into our heavy hearts. Among the mourners was the woman, Gloria; my older brother, Junior, who was fourteen; and my two aunties, Joan and Agnes, who had come from overseas for the funeral. Miss Excelly's death had brought us together in a way nothing could when she was alive. Where had this mother been all this time? What had she been busy doing? Gloria said, "If I had known Mama was sick, I would've come!" She scrunched up her mouth and cheeks and half talked, half shouted to Auntie Joan: "Why nobody ever tell me nothing?" Auntie Joan was walking just behind the pallbearers. She was a tall, erect, handsome woman who lived in Canada, a place where everyone was rich. Next to her was her sister Agnes. Agnes was as small as a bird, flimsy as a breeze, elegant orchid-pink purse to match the hat to complement the dress. She lived in America. Both sisters had faces slick with tears--raw, puffy pools of grief. "What will become of these two boys?" asked Auntie Agnes, nodding towards my brother and me. "Leave it to the Lord--he will provide a way," Joan answered. Junior was walking behind us a bit, in a powder-blue suit just like mine, his brow crumpled into a knot. They used to think we were twins because we were always together, but now he was fourteen, while I was eleven. He was hanging out in Princes Town, taking maxi taxis andkissing girls. He was going places that I couldn't follow. Junior's first memory was of Gloria leaning through our darkened door, handing a bundle of baby me to Miss Excelly, then rushing back to a waiting car and driving away. "The young one like me better," our grandmother used to say. This wasn't fair; Junior remembered his mother. I didn't. Yet as far back as anyone could recall, I clung to Grandma's skirts always, even when she was in her sickbed, with that metallic taste of death, the smell ofher chamberpot, the way her silver bracelets turned black from her clammy skin. Even then, they had to make me get out of her deathbed. When Joan and Agnes arrived, everyone asked, "Is yuh brutha comin?" Al, their wayward younger brother--Gloria's ex-husband and my father--was a ghost, a wisp of legend that draped itself across my childhood. Miss Excelly's tongue, stiff from stroke, almost useless, groaned into Joan's ear, "Whwwwwaaaaaaaaaal." Auntie Joan leaned in to try to make out what she was saying, and her mother gripped her arm. "Whaeeeeeeal," she droned again, and wouldn't let go. "What do mean, Mama?" "Wheeeaarrre Al?" And Auntie Joan was crying again. It was a question: "Where is Al?" Al was not coming, but how could she break this to his dying mother? Back at Fifth Company Baptist Church, Excelly Theodora Downing's body lay like a monarch in her pomp. They wedding marched her coffin through the pews and laid her down before thealtar. As the mourners shuffled in, light danced off the metal rings on the pine box, the bronze wood of the organ, and the timepieces of the deacons who were watching sagely. We took our seats at the front, and the air filled with the perfume of warm bodies, starched shirts, boot polish, and lilies of the valley. Sombrely, the reverend made his entrance. The murmuring hushed. The choir members, in their cherub robes, rose to meet him. He gestured, his arms wide as if to hold us all in one embrace, as if hugging the Holy Spirit, as if inhaling the gusts of sun pouring through the stained glass. Then, signalling to the musicians with a wink, he raised his eyes to the heavens and the choir began to sing. Chapter One Monkeytown I Poulourie was my everything. Pou-lour-ree. These three delicious syllables ruled my life. I was five, and if I ever got my hands on as little as fifteen cents, I would buy poulourie, a fluffy, golden deep-fried ball of dough that was crunchy on the outside and chewy on the inside. I lived in New Grant, a village in the south of Trinidad--or "down South," as we would say. It sat between wide, muddy rivers full of crocodiles, thick tropical wilderness, and fields upon fields of sugar cane. The yellow-and-brown two-storey building where we learned was called New Grant Anglican School, and it had been established in the year 1900. To the front, there was a paved asphalt area where we played netball, rounders, and hopscotch in our neat uniforms. In the field next to that, we dashed about, made believe, and whenever possible, yelled as loudly as we could. Next to this field was a small shop of wonders. They sold: pickled red mango, coconut sugar cakes, sticky peppery anchar, and of course, poulourie. It was pretty much neutral in taste, but it was served with spicy mango chutney or sticky sweet tamarind sauce on brown wax paper. Poulourie was my favourite thing. One day, I had bought three or four and was fixated on inhaling them while waiting to cross the main road. I was straining not to get any chutney on my khaki uniform. Cars roared by while I stood, my mouth wet with wanting. I was captivated by the mesh pattern inside the dough balls, by the heat of the wax paper and the green mango chutney. Just as I looked up, a twenty-seat maxi taxi passenger van dashed right by my nose. My nostrils burned with diesel. A drunk on the other side of the road staggered backwards, his eyes bulging big, like guavas. "Yuh go get kill one day!" In Trini, an alcoholic was a "rumbo." Everybody drank rum, and I knew from the way big people talked that you never listened to a rumbo. Still, I finished my poulourie, which was never "poulouries" even if you had several, and looked both ways before crossing to my street: Monkeytown Road, Third Branch. Which at this point was the only place in the universe I knew. I I On a day like that, it would have been normal to hear the sound of Miss Excelly's voice drifting over the tombstones. There was a cemetery on either side of the street, and ours was the first house after the one on the left. Her voice would catch me as soon as I left the junction,drifting like a breeze. My grandma--we called her Mama, and everyone else called her Miss Excelly--was always singing. When she woke up with the kiskadees, when she was happy and smiling, when she was thoughtful and laughing to herself, or when she went to bed, the bullfrogs as her backup, she sang. Hymns, mostly. About Jesus and salvation and redemption and power. So basically every single song in the Anglican hymnal. "Power in the Blood," "How Great Thou Art," "Rock of Ages," "Abide with Me," and the draggy one that was her favourite, "Stars in My Crown" which I didn't really understand then, except I knew it had something to do with getting "stars in my crown . . . when at evening the sun goeth down . . . in the mansions of rest." What I did know was that her bright eyes and soft face got very strange when she sang this hymn. She would smile with her whole face but have tears in her eyes. Was it possible to be sad and happy at once? In those moments coming home from school, the world seemed dim and out of focus. Everything hushed. Her voice perfumed the very air. The tall grass across the cemetery leaned in slow motion. Beads of sweat slid down my forehead and tickled my neck. All of creation became her voice calling me home. I I I In those days they called me Tony, after my first name. Or often JuniorandTony, as my older brother and I were inseparable. Junior Aly Downing was so named because he was the first son of Alyson Downing, our infamous father Al, about whom we knew almost nothing. We knew that he was a charmer; we knew that he dated Juanita and that her father cursed him; we knew that he hung out with criminals; we knew that he left for Canada and never came back. The restwe had to guess from the raised eyebrows and careful whispers of people who used to know him. Some of whom watched us as if we were baby macajuels, anacondas, who would one day grow up and try to eat them. Who would one day grow up to be Al. At that time, Junior and I were still young enough to do everything together. He was calmer, wiser, and bigger than me, but with the same round face and cheeky smile. He did everything first and better and braver, and I adored him for it. People couldn't tell us apart. There is a picture of my grandmother and us taken in a studio in Princes Town. She in the lacy white dress with a broad, church hat and us beaming in chalk-blue suits that were too big. To the uninitiated, we looked like twins. Yet he was three years older. Junior knew me before I knew myself. We would sometimes walk down Monkeytown as its asphalt crawled into the bush and go through the overgrown back trace to Hindustan, usually to get groceries for Mama. She'd send us with a list in the form of a note that I carefully unfolded and read as soon as we were out of sight: Mista Chan, If God willing, please give us these items on credit and I will pay you month end. 3 pounds of Ibis flour ½ pound of brown sugar A 2 lb sack of rice Miss Excelly Theodora Downing In hindsight, she must have thought that sending her scrawny grandchildren to beg for credit would make it hard for the grocer to say no. Not that this mattered to us. Our faces hurt from smiling; we were getting to go on an adventure. If the trace, which was a shortcut through the tall grass, was flooded or overgrown, we took the long way. Which meant an encounter with the scariest animals in existence. Some of the nearby houses were two levels of pretty painted concrete with verandas and were raised up on tall posts in case of flooding. Yet many were simple one- or two-room shacks held together by galvanized steel, the shiny sheet metal that in the rainy season made storms sound like a million feet trying to trample the rooftop. As we got closer to the bottom of the last hill at the very bottom of the road, Junior looked worried. "Aight, hush yuh mouth til we pass," he said. We started to tiptoe and whisper like thieves. Just as we were about to breathe again, we heard the gobble gobble and our hearts sank. "Run, Tony! Ruuuun!" Storming out of the yard from behind a row of pomerac trees came a gang of angry turkeys. Their hard feet stabbing at the ground and closing on us fast. "Run, boy! Stop staring and run!" Junior was already halfway down the hill, and I turned and followed. The terrible sound of "gobble" times twenty seemed to be emerging from everywhere. Yet by the time we hit the bottom of the hill, the turkeys did not follow. Junior and I doubled over on the hot asphalt, our chests heaving. "Boy, dey nearly ketch yuh!" he grinned ear to ear. "Not me! I too fast for dem." I couldn't believe we'd survived. As we got up, Junior dusted off my clothes and finished with a playful tap to the back of my head. "Eh!" I turned and let out a gobble and started to turkey-chase him. We climbed the rest of the way to Hindustan laughing. It had not yet dawned on us that we had to go back the same way, but this time carrying a sack of flour and some rice. One of our best ideas didn't end well when we decided to dress up as jumbie, or monsters, and hide in the cemetery after dark to scare passersby. We were having mixed results but a lot of laughs, until Olsten Hodge showed up. He was the boyfriend of Miss Monica, who livedbehind us with her teenage son. "JuniorandTony come here!" he barked, and the great mole on his left cheek seemed to grow gigantic and fierce. Junior jumped in front of me, but Hodge gripped his bony upper arms and jerked him off the ground. I, too, screamed as he lifted me by my armpits and carried us both like wriggling fish to the whipping room. Usually Mista Olsten liked watching us beg until our noses were snotty and our clothes hot and salty from tears of anticipation. On this day, he set to work whipping us hard. Each blow of the belt coming with a lecture. Smack! "I thought I told all yuh . . . " Smack! " . . . to go to bed." Smack! "You think I have time . . . " Smack! " . . . to play de ass?" His fat round face was livid as a hurricane. The thick knotty purple welts left by his belt would last for days. Hodge had taken on the role of disciplinarian because Al, our father, had not been seen since he left for Canada six years earlier. Our only contact with Hodge came when he beat us with whips and belts and calabash branches. Junior always seemed less scared. Sometimes, when we knew we were going to get licks, we would hide in the bush until after dark and slink back into the house long after Hodge got tired of looking for us. Back then, in those simple days in the tropical heat, my little head had space only for Junior, for the occasional whipping, the wind groaning in the coconut trees, the preacher wailing on Sundays, the villagers gossiping in Monkeytown and Miss Excelly's haunting songs. Yet change and great beginnings were already on their way. I V The bush was really a rainforest, and it spread its wings everywhere. It was an ocean of thick bristling green. Bright green like a full hand of unripe bananas. Green and black like giant ripe zaboca, which Canadians call avocado. Brownish green like the zillions of grasshoppers I could see when I pressed my cheek to the hot grass. Golden green like the chest of the sik-ee-aye bird with its beady brown eyes. Monkeytown had two seasons: dry and hot was one, rainy and hot the other. In the dry season, the sun scorched our skulls and turned the muddy riverbanks to dust. In the wet season, violent storms blew in suddenly from the sea and unloaded their fury on the world. Then just as suddenly they blew away, leaving the sun to coax us back to life with its soft fingers of light. Unlimited sunshine and rainfall meant that the trees were enormous, the insects endless, and the birds omnipresent. By far the ugliest things in the bush were the crapauds, which is what we called the horned toads. Great fat black-brown things with rough sacks of bulging flesh everywhere. They were horrifying. Once I avoided a part of our yard for weeks because one had crouched there to die. Less grotesque but no less alarming were the snakes. They came in all varieties, colours, and sizes. Coral snakes glided smoothly on their red-and-black bellies whether crawling in the bush or swimming in the murky rivers. Boa constrictors grew up to thirty feet and preferred to lie in trees and fall on their prey. Some snakes you never saw, only heard of when they ate something or someone. Other snakes seemed to always be around. Everyone I knew, from grown women and men to little boys and girls, fled in terror whenever they saw one slither orcrawl into the open. My favourite place in all of this was a stand of slim tall trees with branches that embraced at the top like the arches of a cathedral. I went there to get lost in the symphony of the forest. There you heard the constant shhhhhh of the wind whipping at the leaves, the heavy music of a hundred thousand birds thriving, and the electric hum of infinite insects. It was my own secret parallel dimension. When I threw a handful of stones up into the branches, the sky would explode with colour as the giant macaws cooling off up there would erupt with noise, beating their wings of blazing red, cerulean blue, chalky yellow and silky green. Their wings painted for me a vivid picture of wonder at the murky mysteries of the jungle. The bush was full of monsters but it was also full of miracles. V Miss Excelly sat on the veranda humming to herself. She was seventy-eight, and there were many days when I did not leave her side. As I was unbuttoning my school shirt in the single-storey house, she called: "Darlin', bring de big Bible by de nightstand." The floor was marble and cool on my feet. When I returned with the great white Bible with the golden letters, she had not moved an inch. It was a plush book that could barely fit in my hands. A picture of a blond Jesus kneeling to pray was on the cover, and the scene would move with the angle you looked at it. I loved the shiny gold leaf around the edges, the papery smell, and the texture of the words under my fingertips. Even big people called Miss Excelly old. Her skin hung down under her neck and made rings under her darting eyes. Her mouth always seemed to be about to smile. I pretended to open the Bible to her favourite chapter, Psalm 27, but I already knew it by heart. Instead, as I dragged my fingertips over the colour illustrations--"Moses and the Ten Commandments," "Jacob's Dream," "The Prodigal Son"--I recited the verse from memory. Itbegan: "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" I had been doing this since I was three. She always preferred the poetic parts of the Old Testament: Psalms, Proverbs, and Song of Solomon. And when she was not looking, I read the rest too: David and his harem. Her breasts were as apricots. "My beloved is gone down into his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies." They were love poems fashioned by ancient Jews and King James I's scholars, and I was fascinated by the sounds and kaleidoscope of meanings they unfolded. When I finished, I put the heavy book down and wrapped myself in her skirts until the whole world smelled like mothballs. Close to her--this was the place that made the most sense. It was 1982. I was seven. And I was certain that it would always be like this. Mama was a poor Caribbean woman, which meant she was expected to carry the weight of the sky. She regularly performed miracles, like climbing coconut trees well into her seventies. She also raised many more children than she had given birth to. In her case, six younger sisters, three of her nieces, four orphaned kids--Kenrick, Wilton (who lived with us), Jemma, and her sister, Elizabeth--and me and Junior, who were her grandchildren. Finally, the ones she actuallybore: Boysie, Jestina, Agnes, Joan, and my father, Al. These were all her children that I knew of. For her, life was a constant act of generosity and struggle. I grew up understanding that Caribbean women were deep wells of resilience from which all around them drew water. They were spiritually tough in an almost superhuman way. If I had slept in her bed, as I often did, I would hear her groan and roll over well before dawn, when the crapauds were still croaking, when the world was still asleep. She would lift herself up in the pitch black. Though I could never see her, I could always hear her bonesresisting the call. "Oh lawd God Jesus, have mercy on me," she announced. Even her shadow seemed tired. Why was she getting up and taking all her warmth away from me? I squinted, confused, but not for long. She was lowering herself to her knees to pray. Then came the soft muttering of words I couldn't make out. It began quietly enough but soon became a hymn. A song made of pledges and pleadings, sobs, sighs, and lamentations; the deluge of her misery and her fear. Every now and then, the name of one of her children cut through: "Agnes . . . Joan . . . Al." My father's name always made her cry. Soon the whole room was shaking with her voice. Most times I would wipe my runny eyes, roll over, and go back to sleep. Today was different. I lay trembling under the sheet. Chest pounding. There was nowhere to hide from this hurricane. Soon enough, the crashing waves of her voice slowed down. She grew still. The storm passed. Then, as always, Mama rose from her knees, victorious, and got on with the day. V I My room faced the cemetery, and my poor head was full of bogeymen. I would wake up in the dead of darkness and imagine one of the awful creatures of our folktales coming for me. These stories, which I ate up greedily in the daylight, haunted me in the nighttime. La Diablese or "LaJabless" was a devil woman who would come to parties and charm the men and leave them lost in the bush. A Douen had backwards feet and led children astray. A Papa Bois could transform into any animal and would trick hunters to their deaths. Lagahoo (or Loup-Garou) was a half-person, half-animal spirit that walked around dragging a vicious whip and chain behind it. These names, as I would later recognize, were almost exclusively French.Yet in those days they were just names to me and their strange music, which fascinated my tongue, only added to how fearsome they seemed. The scariest to me was Soucouyant. A Soucouyant was like a Trini vampire. A hag, who at night, slipped her skin and streakedacross the sky as a fireball seeking innocent blood. You had to salt or burn her empty skin to stop her. The fact that I had never seen a fireball streaking across the sky did not prevent a chilly drop of sweat from sliding down my spine at the mention of that word. This may all sound like fairy tales and superstition, but in my rural, Trini childhood, everyone, including big people, took these stories seriously. Grown people would speak in hushed tones about certain others being vampires. To me, it was just another odd part of growing up on the island that I never questioned. Perhaps it was because we lived in a tropical rainforest. There were real monsters, with real fangs, crawling around nearby, in the riverbeds, deep in the bush, waiting under rocks and on low branches and often in our very houses. So,why not in our heads too? They crowded our imaginations and gave life to our fears. A menagerie of menace that the Lord had put there to remind us that no matter how big we got, the whip hand would always be his. And so it went. My early life was mostly an easy rhythm of reading schoolbooks and Bible books; exploring the bush; playing cricket, football, or table tennis; and hanging out with Mama and Junior. All this plus watching the blazing sun rage and the raging storms drown the earth in rain. And also: more poulourie. V I I I was having the best day. I'd received a letter from Ami de Sol Downing, my dad's wife whom he'd never married. They lived in a place called Victoria in Canada, which to me was something like Sesame Street, except I assumed there were no grouches. Everything about this letter made me giggle. The envelope had a pattern of red and blue stripes around the border. The handwriting was loopy and clear: "Mr. Antonio Michael Downing, Monkeytown, Third Branch, New Grant, Trinidad and Tobago." The stamp proclaimed, under the head of the Queen, "CANADA." It was the first letter I had ever received. I carried it to school in my bookbag like a laurel wreath of victory. Whenever I couldn't stand it anymore, I took it out and smoothed the creases religiously, dragging my fingers over the neat little words. Little Nigel was apparently a very happy brother I now had, and baby Adrian was also doing well. The best part was the photos. There were two Polaroids: one of my dad with a Jheri curl, and one of the young family all together. Ami was white, which to me meant she was a movie star. I had never met a white person before, and the concept was still being worked out in my mind. They seemed to exist in a world of perfection and angels and limitless exotic fruits, like apples and pears. My dad, who I couldn't remember having seen before, also looked famous and beautiful. Geography was my favourite subject, so I pulled out the large atlas at recess and flipped to the map of Canada, where I found Victoria Island in the Arctic. It gave me so much joy to know that my father, who before that moment was just someone my grandmother talked about, actually had a face--and a place too. Of course, he and his family lived in the city of Victoria, on Vancouver Island, and not in the Arctic, but at that time, young Tony was having the day of his life. My best day was about to get better: it was the last day of school. My toes tingled at the thought of the hot season break which promised excursions, car rides, maybe even a trip to San Fernando, the second biggest city in the country. But that was all far off. Today I was mostly excited about getting our report cards. Mrs. Barrington, my teacher, walked through the aisles. "Now, class," she said as she handed a lime-green report book to each student, "today is the final day of your first year of primary school, and I want to congratulate you on your hard work." She stopped at my desk and tapped her nails to get my full attention. "I especially want to congratulate Mr. Downing on being first in test and excelling in reading, comprehension, and maths." My classmates clapped politely. I smiled so hard I thought my head would burst. Rushing out of school that day, I couldn't wait to tell Mama about finishing first in test. This was a big deal. But poulourie were a bigger deal. I waited eagerly for the Indian man behind the counter to serve them up. My mouth was already sloppy with anticipation. As he handed them to me, the heat from the fryer and the spice of the pepper sauce filled my face. I stumbled down the stairs in a reverie, and as I got to the road, one precious poulourie rolled off the wax paper and onto the dirty ground. "Noooooo!" I yelled. I reached to grab it much too late, and then realized that I was off balance. I fell forward as I tried to right myself and maintain my grip on the other two poulourie still safe in my hand. A car horn rang out. Tires screeched. And very quickly, my whole world faded to black. There were no human casualties that day. No broken bones or bruising. People came running. They picked me up and scolded me, and then I continued on my way. I survived; the poulourie didn't. Excerpted from Saga Boy: My Life of Blackness and Becoming by Antonio Michael Downing All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.